Last night DH and I were reflecting that our parents never talk about their lives when they were our age/stage. We have heard the stories of them in college, shortly after college, and after they had kids, but there is this big gap--for both sets--between meeting each other and having their first kid together. My parents talk a bit about dating, and my dad's interactions with my older sister (from my mom's previous marriage). My in-laws talk about the first time they met and moving into their new house with my DH. Otherwise neither of them talk about being a young, childless married couple. Neither of them talk about the ages of 25-30. And we think we know why: They suck!! Immediately after college you're dating, getting married, getting new jobs, but after that, you're just standing still. Take for example DH and I. We are stuck for the moment in a holding pattern. We are working, going to school, and just trying to save up money the best we can. Very little changes for us. Very little of interest happens for us. We take small vacations to local destinations. We go out with friends to dinner. We don't go on interesting, outlandish trips (like our Europe backpacking in college) or party like crazy (like we did in college). Even now we tell stories about parties a few years ago, not parties a few months ago.
And this should change. I want my parents to share what it felt like to be young and poor and struggling and childless. I want to understand that my situation is normal by hearing about my parents. For once in my life, I really, really want to hear "when I was your age" stories.
The Unspoken Years
March 8th, 2011 at 04:34 pm
March 8th, 2011 at 04:55 pm 1299603352
March 8th, 2011 at 05:16 pm 1299604578
As someone a bit further along the life cycle (40, married 20 years, 5 of 7 surviving children), those are the times that really don't matter. Once you start having kids, life moves so quickly!! It doesn't matter that you had $.35 balance in the checking account, shared one car, took textbooks out of the library because you were too poor to buy them. For us, we worked hard, bought a house, took a vacation or two, and then started having kids (lots of them). That is when our life took on real meaning.
March 8th, 2011 at 05:46 pm 1299606371
That was the time I was free to pursue outdoor activities before kids like kayaking, skiing, and mountain climbing.
It has been almost 15~20 years and I am just now getting back to the love of big sport and guess what? I am NOWHERE as strong and capable of doing what I had dreamed to do.
After giving up trying to find a husband in my 20s I put more time into environmental volunteering to help save the earth as I wished sinc 5th grade. (and of course that's where I found my to-be husband).
I did not save enough, but did not overspend in my 20s and 30s.
Don't rush into having kids, explore the world and add wisdom to yourself!
March 8th, 2011 at 06:31 pm 1299609115
I have to second the others' wisdom to slow down and enjoy.
On one hand hand I do think that people only speak of marriage, kids, etc., because these are the meaningful milestones in our lives. Not because everything else sucked.
Looking back, there is something marvelous about being young, naive and unencumbered. Sure, it's a tough transition to adulthood and taking care of yourself, buy buying a home, having kids, getting married does NOT make it any easier - just harder.
All that said, I think it was in those really broke and hard working years (college, for me) that I had some of the most meaningful relationships and travels. I had no money and so couldn't afford much, but so learned that stuff doesn't matter. I spent a lot of those years (ages 18 - 25) traveling around the country and crashing on friend's couches. AMAZING times.
I've been with my spouse since I Was 18, but we were never "attached at the hip" types. We always did our own travels, hung out with our own friends, etc. Maybe the best of both worlds (single/married).
I also cherish all those years we had together before kids, that said. Then, it could be all about us. These days our own needs take a huge backseat to our kids' needs.
March 8th, 2011 at 07:09 pm 1299611366
Remember that they don't necessarily have to come from your parents.
That being said, my late twenties, even my thirties sucked in the way you describe. The one way to get out of the rut is to have a goal - school and training, saving, etc. The second way is to live in the present. The rut can be interesting and there are things to do whilst in the rut.
March 8th, 2011 at 08:37 pm 1299616658
So you are going to ask your parents, right? My mother has told me quite a bit about those years, as she worked for 8 years after college and marriage before she had kids. Too long a time to just omit. I'm in my 50s, so my mom is very much older. She experienced a lot of sexism at her work places. She's much more socially astute than me, so it is very interesting to me to hear how she handled it. One thing that surprised me was hearing how prevalent drug use was at one of her workplaces---way back then, ya know....in a hospital, no less!
Keep on conversing with your parents. I have found that there are still huge things they have had to tell me, a bit at a time over the years. My mother just told me something on Sunday that was life-forming, well, almost life shattering to her.
March 8th, 2011 at 08:54 pm 1299617643
This could be an amazing time for you and your hub to volunteer and make a difference...to study a new culture...hike...learn to ballroom dance...sleep in!
You decide whether or not you stand still. If standing still sucks, then get moving. Set goals and go get em! Just because this period was boring for others is no excuse to let it be boring for you too.
March 27th, 2011 at 09:34 pm 1301261651
Jerry